Made the Bed

I was at home after a short course that took me away from my boyfriend Mthobisi for three months and it felt like a lifetime. We talked on the phone and texted, but it wasn’t enough.

I told my best friend Kwanele about it when she asked; if I was ready to see him after that long.

“Friend, I wish I was able to fly, I would be there already,” I said curled up on my bed. I took inventory of everything to see that I don’t forget anything when I went back to my rental place the following day. My clothes, bed covers, shoes, and toiletries.

“You must have missed him a lot and more than just seeing him, huh?” Kwanele asked with laughter.

I blushed and laughed too. “Yeah, just want to be held in his arms and feel his heartbeat next to my ear.”

“Oh friend, that just feels amazing.” She said sounding envious. “I wish I could find something like that too, not these arseholes I keep meeting.”

“And you will friend,” I said an uneasy thought passing through my mind. “Kwanz, it’s been almost three months, I wonder if things will feel the same with him?”

“What do you mean?” She asked confused. “I mean he loves you and you love him, what could be the problem?”

There was just one thing that I missed telling Kwanele about Mthobisi, I knew about it even before we began the relationship but I didn’t even think we will last a month. I thought a short affair wouldn’t hurt anyone, especially after my last relationship. I wasn’t ready for anything permanent.

“Aza, where did you go? What happened?”

“Never mind about it friend, it doesn’t matter.” I lied pushing the matter to the back of my mind. “You must make plans to visit me soon, friend?”

“Of course, so you can show me the best places that side, I might even meet my prince charming like you,” she said and we laughed, mine a little forced, the nerves getting the best of me.

We talked a little more before we said our goodnights and I switched off the light and snuggled in the soft blanket. Already wishing myself next to Mtho, I pulled my phone into the dark to read his messages and listen to his voice note telling me how much he missed me and loves me. He said he couldn’t wait to see me, could that be true?

***

The following day, I woke up early. Load shedding was at the ten, so I needed to quickly get ready to drive back to Mhluzi and be with Mthobisi. I packed everything quickly in my car, kissed my mother goodbye before she left for work, and was left with bathing and boiling water for my coffee.

By ten I was done, had my coffee and toasted sandwich then I was on my way. I left my home of Modderfontein taking the N12 freeway to Emalahleni going back to the life I made for myself in Middleburg. I sang loud to Madonna, Say Goodbye playing on Metro FM joyfully.

 I wondered as I passed Witbank if I should text Mthobisi or head straight to his place. The previous night when we spoke, he sounded like he couldn’t wait to see me.

I drove the speed limit even though my foot hovered impatiently on the accelerator. As I reached Middleburg, I started feeling a little nervous. What if he wasn’t there? Should I call him first and make sure he was in? But he knew was coming.

As I left town I stopped by my place to unpack and freshen up and thought it better to call Mtho before going to his place just outside town, he was off he said.

“Hi babe, I have arrived. Are you home?”

“Hi, no unfortunately I am not,” Mtho said sounding distracted. “Have you arrived?”

“Yes,” The pang hit me right in the stomach but I swallowed my disappointment by acting nonchalant on the phone. “I thought we were supposed to see each other today?”

“Yeah, I know but I had to go somewhere you are back now mos,” He said calmly. “We will see each other tomorrow.”

What happened to ‘I missed you and I want to see you?’ I wondered in my head as we had small talk before he hung up. I ignored the uneasiness I felt as I unpacked the rest of my clothes. He was right we had a lot of time to see each other and catch up. I changed out of my nice jeans, a frilly pink blouse to put on my long black tights and grey shirt.

I packed my clothes in the wardrobe and did my bed since I left with the blankets and covers to wash at home, I didn’t have a washing machine. I kept myself occupied and even cooked myself some pasta and mince made out of sausages. I shredded it and fried it in pepper, onion, chilli, garlic, and spices before making some bit of soup. Flushed it down with a glass of my favourite deep red wine. When I went to bed that night, I didn’t want to think too much about what was going on with Mthobisi until I saw him. And it was only a matter of a few hours before I saw him anyways, it was better now because he was closer.

I arrived on a Thursday, then it was Friday. I knew Mthobisi arrived home around four from work and I ran errands in the morning. Made new CV copies for new job applications as I was on a temp with the same company Mthobisi worked for, and also had a small home decor business. Sent out emails and got a few essentials from the shops for my place before I went to Mthobisi.

It was almost five when I reached his place, I didn’t call. I got out and decided to go into the yard, where he was renting a room, and knocked on his door. The burglar gate and door were closed and no one answered, my heart dropped to my stomach at the thought that he wasn’t there. But I went to the car and sat for a while before I decided to call him.

“Azania, ukuphi?” he sounded sleepy as he asked the question. “I am inside you can come in.”

The feeling of uneasiness didn’t leave me, why didn’t he open the door when I knocked . . . what is going on with him?

I found the burglar gate unlocked this time, ajar and I knocked on the door and his thick voice called me to come inside. As I eased the door open, I don’t know what I expected but there he was the man I waited all three months to see, more handsome than I saw him last. He was laying on the bed, everything was off, no radio, or TV playing. His work clothes hung on the chair near the dressing table.  The place was neat as always.

“Hi,” I greeted awkwardly. I wondered where to sit, whereas normally I will just sit on the bed.

He eased off the bed and came to me to give me a hug that was way too short for my liking. “Are you good?” he asked looking down at me before he moved away to get a jug and get water from the fridge near the double cabinet with a two-plate stove and bucket of water on the floor.

I sat down on the bed to move away as the room was a bit small. Where I stood was the way to the fridge. I sat down with my shoes on the side of the bed, I didn’t remove them.

“What are you busy with? Can we go get kotas?” I asked, hoping to lighten up things or lessen the tense atmosphere. “It’s been a while since I had kotas from here.”

“No, I don’t really feel like going out, I am tired.” He said pulling his phone from the charger to scroll through God knew what and it just deflated my mood further.

I sat there not knowing what to do with myself, decided to take off my shoes get comfortable maybe if we get intimate he will feel better, I certainly will, I hoped.

I lay next to him, hoping that he will at least touch me because I was suddenly afraid to touch him and to ask what is wrong because it was clear something was, but I was afraid to find out what.

A few seconds passed to minutes and to an hour where we spoke about nothing serious, he asked about home and my mini course. I was getting tired and it was getting late and I wasn’t sure I was sleeping over, not at this rate.

“Mtho, what is going on?” I asked sitting up on the bed. “You haven’t kissed me or touched me since I walked through the door,”

He looked away from his phone at me, he looked like he was thinking or debating words in his head before he dropped his bomb. “Thembi is pregnant,”

It felt like a bucket of icy, cold water was thrown on my head. I stared at him like a drowning fish, trying not to gasp at his news. “What?”

“Aza, you knew from the beginning I was married, that this wasn’t anything permanent. What did you think was going to happen eventually?” he asked frustrated, getting up from the bed to go back to the fridge and get some water again.

“But she is at home right? In KZN, I am the one who is here with you,” I said, not giving up. It burned something fierce in my chest, the fact that his wife was pregnant. It meant she was around when I wasn’t to warm his bed. The following words felt like charcoal on my throat.

“How far along is she?”

He looked at me from the side of the jug after a few gulps. “A few days,”

Double spear. I absorbed the words quietly but they burned a deeper hole within.

 He sat down next to me and brushed his hand on his jaw, looking really tired and his eyes full of remorse. “I am sorry.”

I didn’t say anything for so long, I just stared at him my heart aching in my chest because regardless of the fact that he was married and his wife was pregnant, it didn’t stop my feelings for him. I loved him regardless.

He leaned his forehead to mine and kissed me softly on the lips. “We need to end this,” he whispered. He was right and I knew it. I leaned into him and lay on his chest one more time. He placed his arms around me and I put my arms around his waist. I wanted to cry but there were no tears. He let me go and I got off the bed, and put on my shoes, he watched me silently until I was done.

I stood up and expected him to at least walk me out but he just sat there, his eyes bright in the darkening room. I wanted to be angry at him and rage, hit him for putting me through all this agony but I didn’t. I took my purse and slowly walked out, closing the door and the burglar gate. I got in my car and reversed and drove off to my place.

 Took three-litre wine out of the fridge and poured myself a glass, one after another, until I felt woozy and drunk. Then the tears came. . . at the fool I was to have refused good, single men; choosing a married man instead thinking my heart will not get affected. I was no child, at twenty-eight years old I should have known better. I made the bed and now I had to lie in it.