I wrote this piece one day when I desperately felt the need to mourn the death of my brother, but I couldn’t.
Truth is; I have a supportive partner who loves me and our twins dearly. However, even in his presence… mom’s guilt always wins. I always feel like my needs can wait because the babies come first. That’s why I delayed my grieving process, or maybe I used our babies as an excuse to numb the pain I was (am) going through.
As expected, I drowned and let the words rush through my fingers. Writing is always therapeutic for me.
2 months later….. I still haven’t grieved yet!!! Anyway, here goes.
*
The imperfections of motherhood
Independence gone
Desperation met
Even though I am suffocating
I am still expected to care whether others are still breathing
*
I am in pain but I still take care of their wounds
I get a little taste of what freedom could be
But as I sigh out of relief
They call out my name and I have to run
*
Everyone looks at me for answers
Funny enough I am filled with questions
I can’t let them down so I make everything up as I go
They look at me and ask for more
*
I hide behind the wall but they know my scent
They follow me everywhere I go and drag me down
My feet so painful it’s as though they will explode
I sit on the ground and I feel the blood rushing through my veins
They need something, and they need it urgently
*
Dragging my feet, I try to run
But my body gets so heavy I fail to carry it
They yell and I am reminded of how incompetent I am
They cry and my insecurities kick in
*
All I want to do is make them happy
But in the process, I have lost my own joy
Damned if I do, damned if I don’t
Fuck it; I am not getting out of bed today!!!
…………………………
Jane Mpholo is a multi-award winning theatre Practitioner and an Audience Development Specialist at the Performing Arts Centre of the Free State (PACOFS) . She has been active on both the national and international platforms with collaborations with practitioners from the Netherlands, USA and Australia, to name a few. Jane is a senior judge for the World Monologue Games and World Monologue Film Festival. Her highlights as a writer include being chosen as one of the 5 top playwrights for the NATi Yong Sterre program for her script "The Dawn", making it to the top 20 playwrights list for the African Women Playwrights Festival of Plays for her script "The Naked Truth" (which she later turned into a short film) and having her script "Fragmented" on the program for Teksmark 2022. Her autobiographical show "Psalm 69" has proved to be timeless and has showcased on both the national and international platforms such as the Global leadership summit 2018. Jane is a panel member for the National Arts Council and is a former FS Provincial Liaison for the BASA Debut Program. She is a recent graduate for the BASA Cultural Producers Program, an initiative between British Council; BASA, Common Purpose and the Manchester International Festival. Her short film "Cleanse" which looks at the life of a woman under oppression as a domestic worker has won multiple international awards and aired on DSTV pop up channel 150 (Woordfees TV 2022). Jane is also one of the contributors for the Stemme/Voices monologues 2022, an initiative by the Suidoosterfees.
Jane practices as a professional actor (has over 40 theatrical shows under her belt), playwright, producer, dramaturge, facilitator, arts coach , speaker and mentor. She is passionate about inclusive education and creating a safe space for audiences to engage in discussions pertaining to the social ills of the world. She is a true advocate for human rights.
Amongst the many awards and recognitions....she is a three times Kyknet Fiesta Nominated artist and made it to the lists "Mail and Guardian Women Changing South Africa" and the "Sunday World Unsung Heroes 2022".
