There are times when it gets really loud, a time when silence feels like a luxury. Then there are those times when the silence is too loud. Either way, in both instances, I always feel like I need to be left alone and regroup but being left alone results in me feeling so lonely and misunderstood. A contradicting time when I desperately need someone to be there for me, but anyone’s presence makes me feel like I am suffocating. Confusing, right?
I have been having a ton of these feelings as of late. It feels like chaos, and I am standing on the edge of the cliff waiting to jump or to be saved. To be honest, jumping off the cliff feels more peaceful now.
No, please don’t hold your breath……I am not depressed, I am drained.
Anyway, where was I? oh……
How can one have so many contradicting feelings all at the same time? I feel fulfilled but at the same time oh so empty. I am winning but at the same time, I am tested as though my winnings aren’t proof enough. Damned if you win, damned if you fail. That’s what my life is like at the moment….is it even the life I want for myself?
I’ve been through tragedies, lots of them and to be honest, I just want to live and breathe and laugh and giggle and cry…. happy tears. However, my mind is all over the place. It is as though with everything I do right, a thousand more get broken and I am left with even more unnecessary problems to deal with.
Why are people so cruel? Tell me…why do people thrive at seeing others fall? The funny thing is, I know I will not fall but instead thrive. The only issue is that I am tired of being a Phoenix and rising from my ashes. I am tired of God giving me tests because “I am his strongest soldier”. I am so damn drained at thriving at the sight of tragedy. Isn’t there a way for me to have it easy? You would think that after all the bullshit that I have gone through, I would be given a break…just a second to breathe.
Hmm, that feels great …. breathing that is.
I took a deep breath and suddenly, none of the things I’d said mattered. That’s it, I needed to breathe.
I am not okay, but for now, I am!!!
Reminder to self: BREATH!!!!!!!!!!
Jane Mpholo is a multi-award winning theatre Practitioner and an Audience Development Specialist at the Performing Arts Centre of the Free State (PACOFS) . She has been active on both the national and international platforms with collaborations with practitioners from the Netherlands, USA and Australia, to name a few. Jane is a senior judge for the World Monologue Games and World Monologue Film Festival. Her highlights as a writer include being chosen as one of the 5 top playwrights for the NATi Yong Sterre program for her script "The Dawn", making it to the top 20 playwrights list for the African Women Playwrights Festival of Plays for her script "The Naked Truth" (which she later turned into a short film) and having her script "Fragmented" on the program for Teksmark 2022. Her autobiographical show "Psalm 69" has proved to be timeless and has showcased on both the national and international platforms such as the Global leadership summit 2018. Jane is a panel member for the National Arts Council and is a former FS Provincial Liaison for the BASA Debut Program. She is a recent graduate for the BASA Cultural Producers Program, an initiative between British Council; BASA, Common Purpose and the Manchester International Festival. Her short film "Cleanse" which looks at the life of a woman under oppression as a domestic worker has won multiple international awards and aired on DSTV pop up channel 150 (Woordfees TV 2022). Jane is also one of the contributors for the Stemme/Voices monologues 2022, an initiative by the Suidoosterfees.
Jane practices as a professional actor (has over 40 theatrical shows under her belt), playwright, producer, dramaturge, facilitator, arts coach , speaker and mentor. She is passionate about inclusive education and creating a safe space for audiences to engage in discussions pertaining to the social ills of the world. She is a true advocate for human rights.
Amongst the many awards and recognitions....she is a three times Kyknet Fiesta Nominated artist and made it to the lists "Mail and Guardian Women Changing South Africa" and the "Sunday World Unsung Heroes 2022".
