There are times when it gets really loud, a time when silence feels like a luxury. Then there are those times when the silence is too loud. Either way, in both instances, I always feel like I need to be left alone and regroup but being left alone results in me feeling so lonely and misunderstood. A contradicting time when I desperately need someone to be there for me, but anyone’s presence makes me feel like I am suffocating. Confusing, right?
I have been having a ton of these feelings as of late. It feels like chaos, and I am standing on the edge of the cliff waiting to jump or to be saved. To be honest, jumping off the cliff feels more peaceful now.
No, please don’t hold your breath……I am not depressed, I am drained.
Anyway, where was I? oh……
How can one have so many contradicting feelings all at the same time? I feel fulfilled but at the same time oh so empty. I am winning but at the same time, I am tested as though my winnings aren’t proof enough. Damned if you win, damned if you fail. That’s what my life is like at the moment….is it even the life I want for myself?
I’ve been through tragedies, lots of them and to be honest, I just want to live and breathe and laugh and giggle and cry…. happy tears. However, my mind is all over the place. It is as though with everything I do right, a thousand more get broken and I am left with even more unnecessary problems to deal with.
Why are people so cruel? Tell me…why do people thrive at seeing others fall? The funny thing is, I know I will not fall but instead thrive. The only issue is that I am tired of being a Phoenix and rising from my ashes. I am tired of God giving me tests because “I am his strongest soldier”. I am so damn drained at thriving at the sight of tragedy. Isn’t there a way for me to have it easy? You would think that after all the bullshit that I have gone through, I would be given a break…just a second to breathe.
Hmm, that feels great …. breathing that is.
I took a deep breath and suddenly, none of the things I’d said mattered. That’s it, I needed to breathe.
I am not okay, but for now, I am!!!
Reminder to self: BREATH!!!!!!!!!!
Jane Mpholo is an award-winning multidisciplinary artist, entrepreneur, and changemaker from Botshabelo, South Africa. As CEO of Jane Mpholo Pty Ltd, she is pioneering work in theatre, film, and site-specific performance art. The first recipient of the CCIA’s “Outstanding Actor in Theatre” award, she has performed, written, and produced for national and international stages. Honored with two honorary awards from Onalerona Productions NPC and the Southern Region Women in Media Awards, she is a mentor, producer, and advocate for inclusivity. Through bold storytelling, she sparks important conversations, shaping the performing arts landscape and inspiring change worldwide.
