Since I embarked on this journey of “self-discovery” or rather; questioning what was instilled in me….I always get random people who feel the need to talk about their beliefs and share some words of wisdom.
I’m not quite sure if I am now becoming aware of something that has always been happening and I didn’t pay attention; or if this is one of God’s tricks and tests. Whatever it is; I am so exhausted from discussing the Bible. I honestly don’t understand it.
Someone actually made a remark about the Bible. He says it is actually metaphorical and symbolic. He says we get so confused because everyone has their own interpretation and no one bases it on the actual truth. He says it is written in a language foreign to us and so everything gets lost in translation. He added that the Bible is poetic. Hmm…Got me thinking for a bit there. Especially being a poet myself haha.
Anyway, the first time and probably the last time I encountered a Bible verse I truly understood was about 12 years ago. I was going through what the psychologists called depression; and what the sangomas referred to as a calling. My life was in so much turmoil, I literally hated God and the idea of Him. I could not understand why He kept on taking and taking from me. Why I had to endure so much while the rest of the world rejoiced? I questioned His existence for the first time in my life. At first, I felt guilty for feeling that way but eventually, I didn’t give a damn. I kinda swore at Him (I didn’t have the courage to really do it, but I did something close). I stopped praying; I stopped living and I stopped fearing death. I was ready to go into the space because I didn’t think there was a heaven to get to.
One day I said, “this is my last conversation with you, if you are really there…give me a sign”. I had a Bible in my hand. I closed my eyes as I said those words; then I turned the pages and opened my eyes. Psalm69 popped up as “a prayer by the one in misery”.
“Save me, O God, for the waters have come up to my neck”; I read aloud. Quickly, I shut the Bible.
“This must be a mistake, a coincidence “, I thought.
I then shut my eyes and repeated the same process. This very same page kept popping up. Carefully, I inspected the pages thinking it was one of those that have been opened so many times that there was proof. Surprisingly, this Bible was still brand new. I then began reading and never had I felt so understood. I felt as though I was the author, just at another time.
I decided to make this chapter my daily prayer. Oh, trust me King David was pouring his heart out; oh so angry like I was.
“Maybe you do exist God”; I admitted…hesitantly so.
“But then again I don’t trust you that much” I added just to console myself.
I became more and more confused. How is it possible that the one thing that never made sense to me saved me? How was it that the one scripture gave me a voice and courage to move on? Am I only a believer when it suits me?
Needless to say; my autobiographical show is called Psalm69 and had been my most successful work. It turned 6 years old on November 1.
Now tell me…why am I such a hypocrite? Alternatively, am I a non-believer? Should I even believe in anything? Why does sharing my experiences with you feel so wrong yet so right?
Jane Mpholo is a multi-award winning theatre Practitioner and an Audience Development Specialist at the Performing Arts Centre of the Free State (PACOFS) . She has been active on both the national and international platforms with collaborations with practitioners from the Netherlands, USA and Australia, to name a few. Jane is a senior judge for the World Monologue Games and World Monologue Film Festival. Her highlights as a writer include being chosen as one of the 5 top playwrights for the NATi Yong Sterre program for her script "The Dawn", making it to the top 20 playwrights list for the African Women Playwrights Festival of Plays for her script "The Naked Truth" (which she later turned into a short film) and having her script "Fragmented" on the program for Teksmark 2022. Her autobiographical show "Psalm 69" has proved to be timeless and has showcased on both the national and international platforms such as the Global leadership summit 2018. Jane is a panel member for the National Arts Council and is a former FS Provincial Liaison for the BASA Debut Program. She is a recent graduate for the BASA Cultural Producers Program, an initiative between British Council; BASA, Common Purpose and the Manchester International Festival. Her short film "Cleanse" which looks at the life of a woman under oppression as a domestic worker has won multiple international awards and aired on DSTV pop up channel 150 (Woordfees TV 2022). Jane is also one of the contributors for the Stemme/Voices monologues 2022, an initiative by the Suidoosterfees.
Jane practices as a professional actor (has over 40 theatrical shows under her belt), playwright, producer, dramaturge, facilitator, arts coach , speaker and mentor. She is passionate about inclusive education and creating a safe space for audiences to engage in discussions pertaining to the social ills of the world. She is a true advocate for human rights.
Amongst the many awards and recognitions....she is a three times Kyknet Fiesta Nominated artist and made it to the lists "Mail and Guardian Women Changing South Africa" and the "Sunday World Unsung Heroes 2022".
