A letter to my brother

Dearest Broer

I know you are not here to read this but for some reason, I feel it’s needed 

It’s necessary for me to do this for writing is therapeutic for me. 

*

I slept throughout the night 

I refused to think about you no matter what

For thinking of you would bring tears to my eyes

Thinking of you means that I have to accept that you are no more.

*

I scroll down social media and I get upset

People busy acting like they are hurt when in actual fact they weren’t there for when you needed them the most 

*

I got calls from your “friends” asking me questions 

I’m talking about people who are now willing to drive hundreds of kilometers to bury you, when they failed to walk to the hospital to show you love

Funny how they never got hold of you when you were alive 

Yet they can quickly find me, the one access to you…when you are gone 

*

Anyway, this is not about them…

*

A part of me knew you would not come back home, at least not while you are breathing

For my own selfish reasons I kept praying and hoping

Despite the fact that you expressed how you wanted it all to come to an end

*

I’ve seen you fight for your life a thousand times 

Hearing you say you can’t take it anymore was new to me

“Keep at it, keep fighting we need you, do it for your kids, do it for my twins…I desperately need you” I would say 

But I failed to understand the pain you went through and for that I apologize 

*

Last night I found myself making calls and sending texts 

I didn’t do it because it was important for the loved ones to know 

I did it because it was important for me to grab hold of the reality for I was numb and in denial

With every phone call and text I felt my heart sink

“He really is gone” my brain registered 

*

I remember how you always reminded me that we only had each other 

It hurts that you are gone but I can’t deny that I saw it coming 

For months while you fought for your life I had dreams of you being with our sister, mom and dad 

You were happy and healed and I would wake up upset

You all seemed happy without me and I knew it meant that even though your body was here with me…

Your soul was in another realm where I could only connect through my dreams

*

I had a little chance to go see you the other day 

However, my spirit wouldn’t let me

Now that I think of it, it is the same feeling I had before learning that our father is gone 

Having waited days to see him, when I finally had a chance…..It didn’t matter anymore 

I guess it’s true that we are all spiritual beings and somewhat connected in a way that science can’t explain 

*

I’m sorry I wasn’t understanding of your pain

I’m sorry I wasn’t there when you took your last breath

I’m sorry that you suffered so much

I’m sorry that I couldn’t let you go despite the fact that you begged me to 

*

I hope one day I will be able to set you freely 

For now, I’m going to be selfish once again 

And refuse to accept that you are gone

I will continue to listen to your voice notes 

And pretend that you will call me a thousand times until I neglect your calls 

*

I love you…I always will

One day I will be ready to let you go… when I do, please hug mom, dad, and sis for me

Tell them I miss them but I’m just gonna chill out here and live my best life 

If you are truly an ancestor

Then you are probably the best one to give me money seeing that you loved it so much lol

*

And to you God I ask 

Why must they all suffer so much? 

When I do leave this world 

Please make my death a peaceful one

No one should go through what You have put me through

Dearest Tsietsi Jeffrey Mpholo……..I love you, I miss you